Single Girl goes Apartment Hunting in Tel Aviv, Part #1
On one fine winter day, Single Girl wakes up in the morning and discovers her landlord has decided to raise the rent by $250 a month, because of the shiny new parking lot that just got reopened on the street corner. Happy new year!
"But... but... I'm not the one who built the parking lot. It's not my fault, I swear. Can't someone else be punished for it?"
"The apartment is worth more now", says Landlord. "There is finally a solution to the parking problem."
"But I don't have a parking problem", Single Girl protests. "I don't even own a freaking car. That makes parking really easy."
Landlord is not really interested in hearing about it. Single Girl is not really interested in paying $250 a month for the existence of a parking lot she is never going to use (and would have to pay even more if she wanted to use it, anyway). WTF?
Single Girl figures she has at least a few days to get her act together and get used to the idea of moving, but soon enough, people start calling to ask when they can come and see the apartment. Uh-oh. Time to start taking this seriously. She checks a couple of websites, makes some phone calls, and after dodging a couple of pet-hating landlords, she is able to make appointments to see a couple of apartments on the same day. She needs to go to the post office first, and when she realizes she is running really late, she jumps into a taxi and gives the driver the address of the first apartment.
"My girlfriend used to live on this street", says Taxi Driver when they get close to the destination. "She used to rent an apartment right here, in this building."
"That's funny", says Single Girl, having a feeling she is going to regret getting engaged in conversation with this guy. "I am on my way to see an apartment for rent right now."
"Oh yeah? How much is it?" asks Taxi Driver, with typical Israeli well-duh-of-course-it-is-my-business attitude.
Single Girl tells him the price.
"Oh, that's way too expensive", he says. "I guess it's not a one-room apartment."
"No, it's a three-room apartment."
"Forget that", says Taxi Driver. "I know of a one-room apartment that's available right now. It's less than half the price. You should take it."
"Thanks", says Single Girl, "but I am actually looking for a three-room apartment."
"You women", he sighs. "You always need an extra room for every damn little thing, don't you."
Single Girl rolls her eyes. "Actually, I'm an artist. I need an extra room for my studio."
"Eh."
By that time, they arrive at the apartment building - which actually looks more like a run-down shack of some sort. Single Girl pays the driver and smiles sweetly. "Thank you. Have a nice evening."
"You shouldn't even bother going in", Taxi Driver feels compelled to say. "You don't need a three-room apartment. It's too much money. You could find a much cheaper place."
"Yeah, thanks." She slams the door and walks away.
Single Girl walks around the crumbling shack, looking for the entrance. When she finally finds it, she discovers the landlord inside, sitting on a couch with a couple of guys and a stack of papers. "Is this the apartment for rent?" she asks.
"Oh, sorry", says the landlord. "I am just finishing signing the lease with these two. I closed the deal with them a week ago."
"Oh, that's great. I'm so happy for you guys. Congratulations!" Then she turns to the landlord. "It would have been nice if you could have mentioned this when we spoke on the phone, like, uh, two hours ago."
"Hey, I have a one-room apartment available if you'd like. I could also rent you a room in a different apartment - there are a couple of flat-mates already there, but there is a room available."
"Thanks", says Single Girl, "but I want my own apartment, and I am looking for a three-room one."
Idiot Landlord laughs. Yes, laughs out loud. "You can't afford a three-room apartment on your own. You're a single girl."
"I live in a three-room apartment on my own."
"No way", says Idiot Landlord. "I can't afford to live in a three-room apartment on my own."
"Uh... well... I can." She shrugs.
"Why would you need three rooms? You should find a nice one-room place."
"Yeah, thanks. Pleasure doing business with you." Single Girl walks out of the apartment/shack and heads out to appointment #2.
When she arrives at the second address, she finds herself on a street with no sidewalk on either side. Seriously. She finds the building - yet another crumbling shack - and is greeted by a weird vine growing out of an old toilet bowl that someone is using as a flowerpot (I swear I do not make this stuff up), and the sound of at least three babies, screaming all at once. If Single Girl had any desire to live with screaming babies, she would have some of her own. She considers just turning away and going back to her soon-not-to-be-home, but she figures if she made it this far, she might as well at least take a look at the place. Who knows, maybe there is some secret entrance somewhere. Maybe the back of the building is really some sort of palace. Hey, at the price they are asking for this apartment, it totally should be.
The guy who is supposed to show her the apartment arrives on a motorcycle. He seems nice and friendly enough, but does not really project 'landlord'. "Are you the landlord?" she asks.
"No, I'm just showing the place."
"Oh. Are you a realtor?"
"No", he says. "I'm from the management company."
"Okay. What does that mean?"
"It means that if you decide to take the apartment, you have to pay us a fee."
"But... uh... the website where I found the ad for this place isn't supposed to be for realtors. It clearly says so. I'm not supposed to have to pay a realtor's fee."
"Oh, NO", says Not Realtor. "I'm not a realtor. You don't have to pay a realtor's fee. You have to pay a management fee."
"Okay. What's a management fee?"
"Oh, don't worry. It's just a one-time fee. It's the price of one month's rent."
"So a management fee is basically a different name for a realtor's fee?" Single Girl scratches her head, trying to understand this new concept.
"NO", he insists. "It's not a realtor's fee. It's a management fee. It's not the same thing at all."
"But it costs the same thing."
"But it is a management fee."
"Ooookay."
She follows him to the other side of the building - it turns out there actually is a secret entrance around the back, but it doesn't look like a palace or anything. It looks like the back of a crumbling shack. When they first walk into the apartment, it looks ridiculously huge, but she soon realizes that this is because every inch of the walls is covered with shiny mirrors. Lovely. Besides the shininess, the inside of the place looks like... surprise, surprise... the inside of a crumbling shack. And to make matters worse, a couple of the babies on the other side of the wall start crying again.
Single Girl checks out the balcony, which is two stories up and has no railing at all - just a floor. "Isn't this kind of dangerous?"
"Nah, it's okay", says Not Realtor. "Do you have any kids?"
"Uh, no." says Single Girl. "Please DO NOT tell me your management company has a one-room apartment available for me", she adds quickly, totally prepared to smack someone in the face this time, if necessary.
"Oh, don't worry", he laughs. "So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm an artist."
"Can you really make a living off that?"
"Well, no, of course not. The art is just a side gig - my main occupation is prostitution. I make a pretty decent living most of the time, but sometimes, when my pimp is out of town, I deal crack-cocaine to supplement my income."
Single Girl leaves the shack, promises to call if she happens to decide she wants to live in it and heads home, carefully weighing her options. Maybe paying $250 a month for that parking lot isn't such a bad idea. Or, maybe she should just go with the concept of hiding in a secret cave for the rest of her life. If worse comes to worst, she could always try to find an apartment in a different city... hey, maybe Ashkelon or something. Apartments there are supposed to be really cheap now. The occasional missile landing on your roof might be slightly more tolerable than all of this.
I would stay and pay the additional, judging by the other apartments, the one you live in right now might be worth the additional $250. And keep searching for new place, you might find a nice place. Good luck, Sarah!
What about moving to the US? You travel the world to teach anyway, this way you are closer to 'the world'. Just a suggestion.
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Sarah - if you ever get bored making beads - you should take up WRITING - you are hilarious! and it is SO Tel Aviv, it completely captures the attitude, the buildings, the frustration.... keep on writing!
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Okay, I haven't been in Israel in a while, but I could just SEE Tel Aviv in your description. Now I miss it.
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God, Sarah, I'm always so happy to see a post! This one had me laughing out loud! I hope you find a new one if you really want one but I seem to remember this one is pretty special.
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Sarah, I've waited until now to post. I follow your blog all the time, and I love you, and empathize (sp?) with you. I was once young, ah, memories.
Maybe this is a sign, a post it note on the road of life. A new country, perhaps? Only a thought.
Keep up the good spirits, and whatever happens, later you will laugh (this is called "The Booby Prize") - Trust me, I know.
An old (63 years) hand.
Lyn
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Best of luck, Sarah!
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Stay away from the missiles, Sarah!! Stay far, far away from the missiles!! Maybe that move to Italy needs more rethinking?!?!
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Hi Sarah,
Your tales always make my laugh! This story really made my appreciate my house- I live alone in a 3 bedroom house with my studio on the bottom floor. I also use Lampworking as my income & actually am able to pay my bills! If you ever want to move to the US I have a spare bedroom & a Lampworking studio that we can share. I live upstate New York where homes are reasonable! Good luck in all you do!
Thanks,Debbie
P.S. I have both your "Think Pink" & your new color calendar & love them both. Keep up the good work!
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