Back to Myself
Categories: Travel,General
Tags: life random thoughts travel UK
It all started out with something as trivial and stupid as a Powerpoint slideshow. I wake up one day, to yet another grey and dreary English morning, and check my email. Among the usual stuff, there is one from him. The subject is "Fwd: FW: The Simple Life in Pictures".
Oh no, I think to myself as I begrudgingly open the attachment. Please don't let this be what I think it is.
It was.
You know those Powerpoint slideshows, the ones where someone downloads a bunch of random pictures of beautiful sunsets and adorable kittens and stuff, compiles them into one file and sends it out to all their friends, and then the friends send it to their friends and so on and so forth, until it shows up in your inbox, yet again, making you want to tear your hair out because of the mere concept that there are people out there who are still sending these things around? Unless this is your first time on the internet or something, I'm sure you've received at least dozens of those. I hit 'enter' a couple of times just to be sure, and when I get to sunset/kitten slide #4 out of 64, I close the file with a groan.
Oh great. My boyfriend just sent me one of those slideshows with the sunsets and the kittens.
It's okay, I tell myself. He's new around here. He doesn't know that cool web people don't forward the slideshows. He'll learn. Even if he doesn't, it's really not such a big deal. I walk away from the computer and go have breakfast, trying as hard as I can not to give the sunsets or the kittens another thought.
The next morning, we talk on the phone. Hearing his voice at least once every couple of days has been helping me get through some stuff, and talking to him always leaves me smiling. But after a few minutes, to my dismay, he asks about the Powerpoint slideshow.
"So, did you see it?"
"Uh... yeah... I didn't really look at the whole thing. I'm not really into those."
I try to explain, being as mild as I can, that those kinds of photos don't really interest me, and that these slideshows are... uh... quite common on the web. He doesn't get it. He says someone special sent it to him. He says he really enjoyed some of the pictures. I try to protest. While this goes on, I find it hard to ignore the fact that I am sitting outside in the cold, paying $5,357.39 a minute for this incredibly long-distance phone call, and we are actually discussing one of those slideshows. Like, actually having a conversation about it.
Somehow or other, the pseudo-subject of the conversation gets twisted around and becomes my own photography. I find myself trying desperately to explain how my own amateur work is different from the photos in those slideshows and why it makes mine more interesting. When he says that most photos in the world are boring anyway and he likes panoramic views, I realize there is no way we are ever going to see eye-to-eye on this. When he says "I like looking at photos of you", I feel incredibly desperate and yet desperately in love, both at the same time. "But... I don't take most of those." Later on, I try to explain my point again, this time in an e-mail, accompanied by possibly-way-too-many of my favorites of my own photos from my recent travels.
He'll just look at them closely and he'll get what I'm saying.
My workshops come and go, and when they are over, I pack up all my junk and take a train to London, where I'll be spending the next couple of days. When I get to my hotel, I sit there trying to figure out the map. After a while, I realize that a couple of days isn't really a lot of time, the sun is actually out right now and I would much rather be walking around with the chance of getting lost than sitting in this room reading maps. I spend the rest of the day exploring Covent Garden and Oxford Street, taking lots of pictures, soaking in the wonderful urban-ness I'd missed so much, and - as previously mentioned - doing a wee bit of shopping. It suddenly occurs to me that I haven't really enjoyed shopping for clothes in a really long time - maybe even years. I guess when you work at home and don't go out much, the allure of owning cool clothes kind of dies down. But this time, I'm having the time of my life, trying to pick out stuff that will look cute under the bright Australian January sun.
After spending way more than I had intended to, I return to my hotel room happily, loaded down with brightly-colored shopping bags. I decide not to bother with the whole night-life thing (hey, if I don't do it at home, why do I have to do it in foreign cities?) and just spend a quiet evening in my room with my laptop. First thing I do is text him the phone number at the hotel, which would obviously cost much less to call than my cellphone. He texts me back, telling me he'll call later. I really feel like talking to him that night, but he never calls. My night continues with a crappy room-service cheese platter, a strong margarita, and That Movie With The Talking Penguins (which was actually quite hilarious, or was that the margarita?). Eventually, I fall asleep, with dreams of my trip to Australia being way cooler than this.
When I woke up the next morning, he still hadn't called and it was raining. When I asked, the guy at the reception counter told me it was supposed to be rainy all day. Oh, great. I had a few museum possibilities lined up in case of rain, but I didn't really feel like going to a museum. I had breakfast at a café (next time I travel, could someone PLEASE remind me not to pay in advance for sucky hotel breakfasts which I NEVER wake up in time for anyway?). By the time I was done eating, the rain had stopped, so I decided to take my chances with the weather and stick with the original plan - Camden Market, which I fondly remembered as being one of my favorite places in London, back in the age of 2001.
When I got to the market, I realized that now I am older, and sadly, can differentiate between a colorful market full of really unique, cheap stuff and a bunch of booths selling a bunch of repetitive imported junk from China - so the market just doesn't seem as cool as it used to. I stroll around anyway, eating raspberries and feeling grumpy. Why hasn't he called? Poor little me, I spent last night in a hotel room waiting for the phone to ring. Come to think of it, ever since the slideshow incident, he hasn't responded to any of my emails. Why isn't he responding? Why am I always the one who has to call? Why do I always have to email him? Maybe he doesn't even want to be with me anymore. Why do I have to go all the way to Australia when he can't even call me?
Deep inside, I know that as far as showering me with attention and affection, he has been wonderful. I know that I am having my own doubts about this whole situation, but it is easier to blame everything on him than to admit that to myself.
My visit to Camden Town is beginning to seem like a waste of time, but then, I decide to do something I was always afraid of - stepping into Cyberdog. In case you're not cool enough to know this kind of thing, Cyberdog (you Google it if you want, I'm exhausted) is this famous store where they have much neon lighting, loud techno music and lots of damn-this-is-so-cool "clubbing gear". As you can imagine, yours truly has absolutely no need for clubbing gear as she never enters a club unless she is tied up and forced to. Then again, she is feeling really sorry for herself, and has a strong need to compensate herself with some more shopping and nothing else at the market looks appealing. So, she tries on a damn-this-is-so-cool t-shirt and a damn-this-is-even-cooler hoodie, decides to buy them both and walks out of the store, feeling very incredibly cool.
Okay, back to first person now. I had expected to spend the entire day at the market, but since it's only early afternoon and I am getting bored, I decide to take the tube to the Tate Modern. Of course, I get lost (it had to happen sooner or later) and somehow find myself at the London Eye. Ferris wheels scare the f-ing hell out of me, even more than Cyberdog, but I decide to give it a try anyway. I board the round monstrosity with shaky knees, but the whole experience turns out not to be as scary - or as exciting - as I thought it would be. I spend the rest of the day just walking around, taking more photos and sort of stumbling into major tourist attractions (which aren't as exciting when you're looking at them for the third or fourth time, but who's counting). I sigh with relief when I find myself at St. James Park. The sun is out (screw you, English summer) and suddenly, walking through the park is the only thing I really want to do. As I'm strolling through, smiling at the geese and the squirrels and supposedly enjoying life, I can't stop contemplating my long distance relationship. Exactly how long a distance have I signed up for here? Can this even really work?
On one of my shoulders, sits Little Miss Hopeless Romantic, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and cute clothes she bought in London. Just remember how happy he makes you feel. That's what really matters.
Is any of this really making you happy? Asks Ms. Practical and Gloomy Cynic, who is perched on my other shoulder.
When I return to my hotel after a long day - beating myself up for making the stupid plan to squeeze a completely impractical day in Rome into this trip, which is feeling way too long as it is - he finally texts me. "I'll call you later", he says again. I text him back, telling him there is no more later. I have to leave for the airport in a couple of hours. He calls me almost immediately, as I knew he would. He says I sound like I'm down. I start going on about his lack of communication, complaining about how he didn't respond to any of my recent emails, not even to the ones where I had sent him some of my favorite photos.
He apologizes sincerely, and then tells me that after the way I responded to his Powerpoint thingie, he thought I wouldn't want to receive any more emails from him anyway. I apologize sincerely for overreacting to a stupid slideshow. I think we both are beginning to realize that it's not about that anymore. As for my photography, he likes a couple of the pictures I sent him, but thinks others are... "eh".
Eh.
Just deal with it, says Little Miss Hopeless Romantic. He doesn't have to like EVERYTHING you make, right? At least he is being honest about it. This really isn't a big deal.
Eh.
It's all Practical and Gloomy Cynic has to say.
Don't even get me started on airports. Airports are so unbelievably stupid.
When I find myself in Rome, armed with no more than a shadow of a plan and desperately lacking in sleep, I decide to try my very hardest to make the best of the little time I have here. Bonjourno! This time, I don't even bother trying to figure out the map. I hail a cab and ask him to take me to Capella Sistina. The Vatican does not disappoint, and as I wander through the poorly-lit, heavily embellished corridors and chapels, I feel quite overwhelmed but glad to be there, just trying to take in as much detail as I can. Miss Hopeless Romantic is not feeling very Rome-antic today, so I am accompanied only by Ms. Cynic. I was so busy listening to her ranting and chanting that I did not take a single photo at the Vatican - a rare occurrence for me, as you can imagine.
Eh. He said your photos were eh. EH. The ultimate way of saying, I find this absolutely boring and see no point to it at all - nicely packed into one small syllable that isn't even A WORD. Why even bother taking photos? Most people probably don't get them anyway. Yeah, that's okay if it makes you feel sophisticated, but should your boyfriend really be one of those people? Can you really be with someone who doesn't look at art beyond the subject matter? Panoramic views. He said he likes panoramic views. Not only that, but he sent you one of those Powerpoint thingies. Not only THAT, but he's actually taking it seriously. And... and... oh, right, HE LIVES IN AUSTRALIA ANYWAY. Is this really the guy you want to be declaring "the love of your life"?
When I'm through with the Vatican Museum, Ms. Cynic and I have crappy touristy lunch, indulge ourselves in Gelati and head out to the Colosseum. As we are Rome-ing around, I feel the urge to finally fish my camera out of my knapsack. I shouldn't let this kind of thing make me doubt myself. Disgusted, Ms. Cynic disappears, to be replaced by long-lost Miss Romantic.
This is so wonderful! You're in Rome, and you're relaxing and having fun and being touristy, and you're taking pictures again. If you're going to be in love, you're going to have to love your boyfriend for who he is. I know! You could just EXPLAIN to him what YOU see in your photos, and then he'll get it! I bet he's just sitting there right now, dying to know. All he has to do is take a closer look at them, and all YOU have to do, young lady, is be more patient. This would be a really stupid reason to just throw everything out the window. You have love. LOVE. You love him and he loves you back. You know how rare that is, don't you? You're old enough to know that love can never be perfect, but is definitely worth fighting for.
On the plane back to Tel Aviv, Ms. Cynic returns for a couple of moments, just to remind me that I'm not really feeling the way I'm feeling because of a handful of photographs. "Shut up", I push her out the window and fall asleep.
When I get back home, Miss Romantic and Ms. Cynic are waiting for me there, almost as eager for my attention as Moby. They tug my thoughts around all day, leaving me feeling very confused, to the point of helplessness. I send a long email to my boyfriend in Australia, explaining why I like to take my photos the way I do, trying not to sound too over-the-top or artsy-fartsy or anything. Just try to look at them differently, I plead. Maybe you will suddenly be able to see what I see in them.
He responds with anger. He doesn't get what I'm saying, he is lost in my explanation and apparently, I am now being all defensive and trying to pick fights with him.
It's over, says Ms. Cynic.
I send him an oh-so-clever-and-witty reply, along with an "I need to think about things". We said we'd always be honest.
We don't speak at all for a couple of days.
Then, he sends me another text message. He misses me. I am touched, and kind of happy. I call the next morning. I tell him about the things that are bothering me. He is genuinely apologetic, understanding and wonderful as usual.
Everything is going to be great again! Little Miss Romantic dances around with glee.
We agree to be more aware of the fact that we are very different people, and to be more sensitive towards one another.
Communication. Understanding. Willing to admit to one's mistakes. This is what it's all about, right? This is love, baby. You are so lucky to have this.
She runs off to start packing her suitcase for sunny Australia.
Does that make everything go away? Have all those issues disappeared? No.
Do you really think you can spend your life with someone who's so different from you? I don't know.
We are all different! That is one of the best things about humanity! Yeah, but why should you be in a long-distance relationship with someone who's so different? What's the POINT? Love and hope conquer EVERYTHING! Love and hope are nice, but what about the bigger picture? Running away is the easiest thing to do. You really need to challenge yourself and give this a chance. BUT HE LIVES IN AUSTRALIA ANYWAY. You don't really want to live here anyway. Yeah, but you wouldn't necessarily choose to live in Australia. Australia is really cool! They have lorikeets and cockatoos and Opera Houses and stuff! Australia is so far away that no one would ever invite you to teach again. That's not true, and besides, your life has always been about your career! Isn't it about time to start making it about love? True love, with all its faults? Who are you kidding? You've never been a relationship person anyway. She can be whatever she decides to be. She's a romantic at heart. A shrink even said so. She will always be a loner at heart. Did you see how much fun she had while she was hanging out with this guy? It was just silly, fun excitement. NO. IT WAS REALLY SPECIAL. Whatever. There were SIGNS! She doesn't really believe in signs. She just thinks she doesn't want to be alone. They don't really have anything in common. She shouldn't be alone. She deserves to be loved. Love is one of the most important things in everyone's life, including her. And they have GLASS in common! Glass and love are EVERYTHING! Stop with the clichés. You really shouldn't believe in clichés. You should believe in whatever makes you happy. You should ask yourself if you really are happy. Are you? Aren't you? Are you? Aren't you? And anyway, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Yeah! YEAH! What ARE you going to do about it? Huh?! HUH?! Are you just going to share your personal feelings with a group of random people and beg them for some kind of guidance or understanding? Is THAT what you're going to do? Are you?! ARE YOU?!
I guess so.
Listen, I have an appointment opening for the week of September 21st. Location: Tel Aviv Beach on the Friday afternoon. Payment: Tall glass of Guinness.
Sincerely,
Esther the Shrink
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I am SO there.
Sincerely,
Sarah the Nutcase
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Ever heard of such a thing as "growing pains"? Yeah. Well, they happen in real life, not just in your legs when you're going through puberty.
Who am I kidding? I may hit the 3000 character limit by responding here. I'll just email you...
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Take my word for it Sarah, you can be in love with someone who is the exact opposite from you and the fact that it is a long distance will probably make your relationship last longer than if you started in closer quarters. I have been with my exact opposite for 12 years, and due to working situations for 9 of those years he lived 2 hours away, and visited on weekends, holidays, and vacations. I missed him terribly, and went through periods of loneliness. So basically when with someone who is so opposite be prepared for passionate, and that is to say volatile (not abusive) fights, so the best thing is to agree to disagree so as to avoid all that fighting. You can learn alot from someone so different from you. And if you were with someone who is exactly like you, you would be bored anyway, so enjoy what you have, and it will work! No relationship is perfect but are they rewarding, pleasing and interesting is the question!!
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Opposites Attract Sarah.
Hang in there....you'll know if its right for you. Give it some more time.
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Hi Sarah, to me it sounds like the pink is your heart and the grey is your head, and your head is definitely trying to hurt your heart, don't read into it all too much, enjoy yourself, come back to Australia in Jan, enjoy your time here and love lots and then see what is the next move, as i see it atm moment your next move is your trip back downunder, you will have no pressures of classes or anything other than spending time with Russ, and to tell you the truth the first day I met you in Brisbane, Russ was there near the torches and I thought you were already with him, I thought he had come over to Australia with you, so it was no surprise at all when I heard you two had hooked up, so let it all go girl, relax and enjoy, it is the distance that is doing your head in and distance is nowhere nearly as far away as it was 100 or even 50 years ago. Take care with love jane
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From your description, I would describe your reaction to that "Eh" as a red flag. I wish I had paid more attention to a couple of those a few years back.
Julie
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Sarah,
Since I've never commented before, I'd first like to say that you are a brilliant writer and I really enjoy reading your blog. I am also a full time bead maker who hates going outside my home. I am engaged and from my experience I believe that you ALWAYS will have the inner cynic and hopeless romantic fighting with each other in your thoughts when it comes to relationships. Don't worry, sometimes they get along a lot better than at other times.
With time I have gotten so that I don't expect my fiancé to always appreciate what I think is beautiful and artistic. I think that my personal artistic likes and dislikes are deeply personal and spiritual and though I enjoy being validated for them and having others appreciate my art, I've gotten to the point that if he doesn’t like something I have created and take great pride in, it doesn’t bother me at all. It always hurts when someone doesn’t understand or like something that means a lot to you, but there is no way that I can ever understand his love for math either. I believe our differences make us a stronger, well rounded couple. If we were the same we would drive each other crazy, so I've decided that having a few minor and major differences is a small price to pay.
Good luck with everything.
Mandy
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There are differences that matter, and differences that don't. The hard part is figuring out which is which.
The Spouse and I have very different tastes in music, art, literature, and movies. Those things have all been manageable. The differences that are less manageable are things like mutual respect, life goals, priorities and even finances.
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If you spend enough time on your own with only yourself for company you can talk yourself in or out of anything.
The only way that I have found not to do this to myself is to live in the moment and focus on doing things that I know I can do well or enjoy. Also getting out and enjoying doing stuff with friends helps.
I often find if I can do this, the head talk goes away and the true feelings from my heart win through and show me what I really want.
I know this Seems like over simplified advice but actually it can be very hard to do anything when thinking about a big problem or dilemma becomes a full time occupation, brains should come with an off switch!
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You are such a beautiful writer! I love reading your blog and can relate to a lot of what you say. I think you know what you need to do, it's just admitting it to yourself that's the difficult part. If there's one thing I've learnt over the years it's to listen to the warning signs - they save you a helluva a lot of heartache in the long run...
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Oh my stars you poor thing. Grr I hate relationships.
I am 30 and been married to my husband for 10 years (together for 14) and I swear it is like he has been 3-4 different boyfriends (while still being my husband) in that time. We could not possibly get more opposite. He is an engineer, I am an artist. I make something AWESOME, he says "eh" or "how much is that worth?" I ask about his day and he talks in a really weird alphabet of acronyms. We fight and bicker CONSTANTLY, I mean seriously, about every tiny little thing.
But I will tell you this... for all our faults and opposites as people. There isn't anyone else in the world I would rather wake up next to.
I am all for your hopeless romantic side. I hope she wins.
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Sarah....
Hmmm....Im starting to think along with some of the others about paying attention to the warning signs.
Oh how I wish I had done that with "this" relationship Im in now.
Im leaving it, and leaving it fast. There were ALOT of -Eh's- Too many, and I didnt pay attention to HOW they made me feel.
You've been REALLY upset over this guy....I guess you have to figure out is he 'all that and a bag of chips' to you?
I don't think relationships should be THAT hard, yannO?
Just take time to think...feel....
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Oh Sarah, I know just how you're feeling right now. I went through exactly the same feelings, the same worries, even the same type of arguments with Steve. I love tattoos, he hates them. His taste in music drives me insane. We actually had to pick out 'safe' music that we can play when we're together. I'm artistic, he's a realist. Yeah, those two are mutually exclusive for me.
The point is: I love him. He loves me. I hate to sound like Suzy Sunshine here, but love really CAN conquer all. Really really.
We are about as opposite as two people are likely to get but we respect each other and support each other. It sounds like you have that in your man.. and, as you say, that's hard to find.
I was never sure. I always had my doubts. I almost didn't get on the plane. But I did. Here I am. You know why I really did it? The honest to goodness reason: I hate 'what if's. I couldn't stand thinking, 'What if it would have worked?'
I'm not saying you should do something you're not comfortable with. I'm saying it's hard to ever TRULY be completely comfortable with a decision this huge. Know that you will have fears, you will have spats, you will have moments when it's not worth it.
But what if it is?
Love,
keiara
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Sarah
Differences between people is what makes relationships wonderful, exciting, interesting, challenging etc etc. Everyone is entitled to have their own likes and dislikes and this is healthy. My hubby & I just "agree to disagree" and then just get on with loving each other despite our difference of opinions. You two have so much in common - a big one is the common love of glass (and believe me that is a BIG thing to have in common!) and you both love each other. So ask yourself if it really matters if he likes panoramic slideshows of kittens and sunsets and stuff.... My man has a passion for trucks (ho-hum, yawn...), my passion is for beads and glass (now it's his turn to ho-hum...) - but the sparks still fly in the right places even after 25 years!!
You sounded a bit down and when you needed a big hug your man is miles away and can't reassure you that it's all ok and help to put that Ms Cynic outside for the rest of her life!
Patience, compromise, common interests, desire to please, selfless love - these things (and more) are needed for a blossoming relationship to grow and stand the test of time. You two are off to a good start....
Best Wishes to you both.
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Well the way I see it is that it isn't a difference in taste or music or politics - it's that he doesn't fully get Sarah's art-soul. When I look at your photos, Sarah, I am blown away by their composition, color, witty content. To me that is your essence - that's what infuses your photography, your writing, and especially your glass. I think one's main man should get that; I think an "eh" says a lot. But, that's just me, who's older and (debatably) wiser but (definitely) more cynical than I used to be.
Julie
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Sarah, I have been with my fiancé for almost nine years now ... let me tell you that there has never been an "eh" because anything that is important to me is important to him and vice-versa! He loves that I'm artsy-fartsy (he thinks it's cute). He shows huge amounts of interest in each and every bead I make and each and every painting I paint and each and every photograph I take! Do I listen intently when he's going on about cars, motorcycles and the latest greatest cell phone feature, YES ... (but needless to say if I didn't love him for who he was inside and if I didn't value what he believes in ... I could say "eh"). But I don't because I love him.
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Am I correct in assuming most of your communication is by text, e-mail or over the phone? I think a lot is lost in translation when you are not around the person to take it all in. Don't be so quick to judge or jump to conclusions, the phone doesn't convey the whole situation. I hope you can see each other again soon.
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we'd ask you teach with us......
still.....
go with your heart, your head will never forgive you if you don't....
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Hey there! I am so with Helen and her comment. That talking stuff, particularly ms cynic, needs an off switch. Live in the moment.. absolutely. Ask yourself questions that are productive/positive rather than WHAT IF, what if's suck and are negative and will take you down, everytime... maybe you want to be taken down? self-destruct? don't let ms cynic win, she disrespects love and does NOT have your best interests at heart, SHE just wants to keep you frozen and safe from feeling love or being vulnerable. Perhaps ask instead... what aspect of my art will he understand and appreciate? go the empathy. ofcourse Russ is an artist and has an artistic sensibility, there will be commonality, no doubt about it. Love is beautiful.
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