Just Some Late-Night Thoughts
I'm gonna be turning 31 on Wednesday. Something inside me (or is it society?) keeps telling me I should feel bad about the whole "growing older" thing - depressed, sad, scared or something. But I don't. I'm just so happy right now. I love my life so much. I really do. Turning 30 was kind of a strange feeling; the big 3-0 and all. 31 is just a number. A weird prime number.
I feel like I say this all the time - but I can't say it enough - not a day goes by that I don't feel extremely grateful for the way my life has changed over the past year or so. And not a day goes by that I don't think to myself, at least once: I am so happy not to be a web designer anymore.
As time goes by, you gain a new perspective on things. Things you used to love, want, crave, things that used to be a part of you, just seem like a silly waste of time. I used to love being a web designer. For years and years, I thought it was what I would want to do for the rest of my life. I am so lucky, I used to think to myself, I get to work with colors and shapes all day. I get to be creative. I think those thoughts go through a lot of graphic designers' minds. We are creative. Our job is creative. Woohoo, we're in the creative department.
Every designer spends most of their career life dreaming about the perfect client, the ideal one that's going to come along someday - hey, maybe even tomorrow. Who knows? It could happen! The ideal client would be the one with the really cool project and the really huge budget, that suddenly appears out of nowhere and says: "hey, I've seen your work and you're a great designer. I am going to pay you a lot of money to build me the coolest website on the internet. Your resources are going to be unlimited. I am going to give you a reasonable amount of time to work on it. And not only that, I am going to trust your opinions. I have faith in you! Be creative. Give me everything you've got." We all know those clients are out there somewhere - we've seen the wonderful websites by London's Hi-Res or even Tel Aviv's Mantis. We think, one day it will happen to us. It just has to.
But then, a day comes along when you realize: that is never going to happen. That client is not going to show up (or he will show up, and you will spend months working on his website which you seem to care about more than he does, and then he will find some reason not to pay you). That is a sad day. You realize that what you do have - your so-called "prestigious" client database - are just the "ordinary", everyday clients. The everyday client never knows exactly what he wants, but he wants you to make up a price quote for him. No matter what your price is, it is always out of his budget. "Is there any way I could get a discount?" he asks. You feel uncomfortable, so you knock a few dollars/shekels off the price. It is still out of the budget, of course. So then you start cutting off features. He can live without them for now, he says. Maybe we'll add them on someday.
"Just do whatever you can do for X dollars", he ends up requesting. You have no choice but to agree - you need this project. "Oh, and the site should be ready in two weeks, tops", he mentions. "It really should have been online yesterday." Yeah, whatever. So I'll put in a lot of work for the next two weeks, and then at least it will be over quickly. No such luck. He starts sending you the material for the site a month later. ("But keep in mind that we might still be making some changes" - which of course they will, but they will only notify you of them when it's too late, so you will have to change the layout around for the 714th time. Prepare yourself.)
And then come the endless drafts. It always, always turns out to be more work than what you're being paid for. You just knew it was going to happen. They chose to hire you, because "you're such a talented designer! Your work is wonderful! You really "get" the internet! you're so experienced! There is no one else like you! Hey, you're a genius!" But now that it is time to actually do the work - you find you are being treated like an ignorant moron who knows absolutely nothing about anything. Just forget about all your years of experience - the client who hired you always knows much more about design than you do. Heck, even the client's secretary knows more about design than you do. Once she starts talking to you about typography and "color spectrums", you know things are only going to get worse from here.
Yes, the endless drafts. You find yourself still working on them, 3 months after the project's projected deadline - which nobody seems to care about anymore. You find yourself contemplating shooting yourself in the head just so you'll never have to hear the client's voice again. You basically give up on even having an opinion. You just lose all interest. You want the site to be all yellow with green and purple polka dots? Fine, that is what I will do - yes, I think that is a great idea. Just let me finish this other project for the guy who wants a website with a "fresh, young look and feel" but insists on a color palette of dark greys and navy blues, and the banner-ad campaign for the company that wants the most appealing banners on the web but cannot think of anything special to say about their product. And then, green and purple polka-dots it is. You stop caring about doing what you consider to be a good job. Just please, let this all be over.
At some point, you begin to realize the worst truth of all. You are not being creative. There is absolutely nothing creative about your job. You are just performing a service. You're nothing but a webmonkey. Nobody wants to hear about your creativity - they just want you to be able to throw together a somewhat eye-pleasing layout, find a couple of appropriate photos in an image bank (and make that a cheap one, please, or even free if possible - we really don't have the budget) and get the whole thing online somehow. You might as well be working at the bank. You find yourself wishing you actually did work at the bank. You'd go in, type numbers into the computer all day, and then you'd go home. There would be no opinions - there are the right numbers and the wrong numbers. If you typed in the right numbers, you are doing your job well. That begins to sound like heaven.
At some point, the project ends. Well, most of them do. You sigh a huge sigh of relief as you're sending out the invoice - you never want to look at that website again in your life. Then you get paid 3 months later, if you're lucky. That, of course, only happens after endless phone calls, e-mails, yelling, begging, sweat, tears, blood and threats of law suits. Oh sorry, our accountant was on maternity leave. Oh sorry, we sent out the check but it must have gotten lost in the mail (interestingly enough, nothing ever gets lost in the mail except checks from design clients). Oh sorry, we've changed the name of our company in the meantime so we're going to need you to send us a new invoice, so then we can go through all of this again. And are you sure this is the right amount? Didn't we agree that we were going to pay you even less?
Do you think I'm joking? Exaggerating? Hardly. I got my last check from a prestigious design client in December '06. The project ended in April. I quit web design in May. Hallelujah.
My glass beadmaking is true creativity. There are no price quotes, no drafts, no e-mails with lists of requested alterations and modifications. No one is involved in the creative process but me. I get to choose the shapes, the colors, the designs. I can wake up tomorrow morning and decide to try something entirely different. The final product is all mine. No one can ask me to make the dots a bit larger or try a different color combination or maybe just make a different shape altogether - or "hey, do you think you could cram some more detail into that bead so it will be more interesting?" It's glass, baby. The final product is the final product. I couldn't change it if I wanted to. Which I don't, of course. If you like it, you can buy it. If you don't, maybe you will like the next one. If not, well... maybe someone else will.
This is all priceless. Priceless. There is no other word for it.
So, ummm, yeah. I think this is what they call happiness. I am eagerly looking forward to another year of glass. I am looking forward to another decade of glass. My brother Jonathan asked me a couple of days ago, if I wasn't going to get bored with it at some point pretty soon (he knows me too well) - my answer was, no way. Not this time! I cannot see that happening. The possibilities of glass are endless (and I know I've said THAT before). I have a very long list of things I want to try. And I am sure that if I'm still doing it in ten years - I will have an even longer list of things I've never tried. There just aren't enough hours in the day.
Okay, speaking of hours in the day, the sun is beginning to rise - so I'm gonna call it a night. Thanks for reading this far.
(And to the people who commented on my last post - thanks, and I will reply tomorrow!)
G'night my dears.
Never forget to appreciate the good things you have in your life.
I love that you are a night owl... much like myself!
I know what you mean about doing soul-sucking work. I've done it, and been doing it for years now, reserving time for "play" when I get to design jewelry. Jewelry is the one thing I've never grown tired of. I'm almost afraid to start making beads, fearing that I would fall in love with it, too. In my opinion, I've seen only ONE person who can design jewelry as thoughtfully and well as they create beads-- usually people can do one or the other very well... so I guess at this point, it's just fear.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I, too, hope to someday get paid for what I love doing most!
Ahh, a Taurus! Happy (early) Birthday!! I'll be 32 on May 25th... Gemini through & through!
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Yep, I'm totally nocturnal.
That's interesting, about people being good either at beadmaking or jewelry-making... I think that might be true, with a couple of exceptions.
But still, you should give lampwork a try someday! I'm sure you would love it. And yeah, you'd probably never want to do anything else again.
Thanks!
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Amen to that, sister!
I know exactly how all this works, being a fellow graphic designer.
You're a very lucky and very talented lady and I'm proud of your attitude and I KNOW you'll be making pretty glassy things forever. You, like me, are hooked! (I have the big 'to do' list too!) x
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Thanks Steph!
I had a feeling other graphic designers would be able to relate...
*sigh*
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Happy Birthday, Sarah!!!
Yes, you are sooooo lucky to have found glass but we are even luckier that you did!!!!!
Susan
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Aww, thanks so much, Susan.
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Oh girl I know where you are in your life right now and I am happy you are happy. I also know the life of a graphic designer and I too was happy to let it go to be my self. You are a treasure Sarah, thank you for sharing all that. M
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Thanks Michelle!
*hugs*
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מזל טוב
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toda!
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Hello Sarah,
You've made the best description of the life of a graphic designer that I've ever read. Boy, I'm so glad I got out of it too. It was exactly like that. I think my number must have been on a list of businesses who do miracles for no money.
I've been making beads for eight years now and still love making them.
Happy birthday in advance... the thirties are the best and 31 the absolute best.
Marie
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Haha, yeah, I think I'm gonna read this post to myself anytime I'm feeling down.
Thanks so much! I have a feeling this is going to be a good year.
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hi Sarah
What an extremely insightful piece you have written - I read it when you first posted it and it has been on my mind ever since, I have read it several times and out loud to my sons..... and anyone else who would listen. You are not only an incredibly talented artist but also a very switched on lady(I think I have said that before!!)the gist of what you have described can actually fit all manner of jobs/lifestyles and for the most part life is one long slog against the odds broken up with small times or events that add something more meaningful and exciting - to turn it on its head as you have must be such a heady feeling its no wonder you are so happy. As one of your many fans!! I wish you a very happy birthday and look forward to more of the magic!! have a great year!
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Thanks so much Chris! This post has been running through my head all year - finally got around to putting it into writing. I've been reading it over and over myself (shhh, don't tell anyone).
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Thanks for this true and inspiring post from another thirty-something, Taurus graphic designer in her fourth month of glass bead making.
Happy birthday! I turn 33 next week and I'm feeling lucky that I'm finally on a path that will eventually lead away from my soul-sucking "career." My gosh, you nailed it right on the head with the "I get to work with colors and shapes all day. I get to be creative." I'm generally a thankful person, so I felt, yeah, graphic design should be good enough, but it seems to inevitably lead to green and purple polka dots, italicized everything and of course the best design requests from non-designers: Let's put that in ALL CAPS and can you put that logo in a rectangle?
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Happy birthday Ginger!
Glad you enjoyed the post.
Yep, the all-caps and logo in a rectangle are bad, but even worse is the "This looks boring. Could you make the logo spin around?"
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
I wish you the best of luck with your beadmaking!
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I wish this post had caught my eye before this but, all things have their time....which is partly the reason for this comment. Do not be surprised if your life twists and turns in the future. Learn from mistakes and grow. When you grow, new adventures, desires, creativity, needs, goals, etc. all can change. Nothing stays the same, except for the eternal finality. Even taxes change, with every new politician that comes into the arena. What you are doing right now is exactly what you should be doing, living in the moment. Tell your brother that if your life's journey brings you another opportunity - it's up to you to see where the ride takes you - that is your decision to make. Look at J.K. Rowlings, she was a destitute single parent writing on napkins, driven to write her words, and a very rich woman today!! Her pain and life's lessons helped form her success today. The trick is to stay positive in spite of everything that may come your way, to see the good that can come of every situation. As I stated in my other post - my birthday is weeks away and in my late 40's my life is going through a huge upheaval right now. My only alternative is to pull the covers over my head and hope it leaves me with some sanity still remaining. I've been through change too many times to count. A career that spanned 27 years could be over in a matter of minutes if I choose to end it, and believe me - I've thought long and hard about it lately. I could hang on for 7 more years... Will I? I don't know. Do I want to stay in this job? Hell no!! But do I have a choice? Yes, I could stay and be totally miserable and depressed (as in clinically diagnosed) afraid of being without a job, or I could wait until an opportunity presents itself to me. I've asked for a change, and a change did happen. Its up to me to see where it leads, and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My advice is to learn how to invest. Put aside money for your future. Build your own 401K and retire early if you want to. Become financially independent. If you have the means to support yourself in the future, it won't matter what opportunity comes next. You will be in a position where you can explore opportunities, while not losing focus on the rules you set for your financial security. If I had done that 27 years ago I could walk away now and not care if I am throwing away a long career. Financial security is the key. If you don't know how to invest, start searching, and researching, and learning. You know how to do that, just look at what you've managed to accomplish in the past for yourself. Don't worry about how you will find the right answers........as with your glass work - the right teacher will appear! Just put the thought out there and watch what the universe can provide for you! I wish many blessings for your future. At the age of 31, if you can say you are satisfied with your current situation, that is a major accomplishment! Now I'll go practice what I've preached...LOL!!
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Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Diane. Yep, financail security sounds like a nice thing. *sigh* Maybe someday.
I'm sure the opportunity WILL present itself to you. These things usually happen when you're least expecting them.
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Happy birthday to you Sarah I hope you had a great day and a great year(and some more ofcourse) ahead of you.
I've been read this entry a few times now and everytime I feel so much related to it. I started to design websites as a freelancer some years ago but soon discovered the terrible truth... I can not sell myself. Most potential clients don't seem to see the amount of work and effort I put in to give them a beautiful and well-designed website and certainly aren't prepared to pay the fee I ask. Sometimes I even see them ending up with websites that were probably only a bit cheaper and most of the times those only work in IE.
So for now I stick by my current job as a part-time secretary wich ofcourse is totally dull but will bring in my share of the money needed to keep this family on the road and get my joy out of my artistic playtime in the afternoons and weekends.
And I sure do what you adviced us... appreciate what life offers me right now
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